Jeffery's Tapes
Written in the format of transcripts of tapes recorded by Jeffery Lowe, an archivist of the Zampan Census Bureau. Sounds familiar...
Jeffery sets out to digitize an archive of a strange census and sees some real freaky shit. Also there's a metric shitton of these, as many as all the passphrases from the other stories combined.
Tapes 18 and 19 are currently missing.
In the Zampanio Discord server, attendantWatcher mentions a coffee stain in their settings menu during their fourth Zampanio playthrough, exactly like the ones described here.
PASSPHRASE
THERE IS SERENITY IN CLOCKWORK
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attendantWatcher says this in the Zampanio Discord at one point, around the time when shit started getting real.
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No notes yet.
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Tape 1: Day 1
...hey, is this thing on?
I am Jeffery Lowe, an archivist of the Zampan Census Bureau. I am [REDACTED] years old, and as of right now, I am charged with digitizing an old archive.
I don’t like people. They are noisy and nosy. Data isn’t noisy, and neither is it nosy. It doesn’t pry at you with questions. It doesn’t demand time, it only takes it. At least my coworkers understand that I don’t want to be bothered by them, and I don’t bother them in return.
My coworker left for a vacation a week ago. Sometimes they leave emails I have to respond to. I don’t mind that much. At least it’s not in-person.
PASSPHRASE
LISTEN TO THE TICK OF SECONDS
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See THERE IS SERENITY IN CLOCKWORK above.
NOTES
No notes yet.
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Tape 2: Day 2
I’m twenty or so entries into this mess. It seems like it was a more-or-less ordinary census, dated...roughly two hundred years ago. Full name, age, race and ethnicity, address, income, education, faith, whatever. There are some weird questions on the reverse, though? One of them asks about the respondent’s favourite toothpaste flavour. Did they even have toothpaste back then?
We can’t automate this, unfortunately. The handwriting is atrocious and unscannable, so I have to copy it into the database by hand. I could use some help, but everyone’s really busy with their own urgent stuff.
Some of the sheets have coffee stains on them. I swear, whoever stored them was a slob.
PASSPHRASE
IT WILL GUIDE YOU WHERE YOU BELONG
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See THERE IS SERENITY IN CLOCKWORK above.
NOTES
No notes yet.
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Tape 3: Day 16
It’s been more than two weeks! I am roughly halfway through — nevermind, it’s only the first drawer. I hate these drawers.
When I clock out at five, I have to make notes about my progress. I think it looks steady enough, for now? I just need to keep copying data and I’ll make it through, eventually.
Clarence showed up in my room and offered me donuts. I took one. He didn’t do that before. I don’t like to be disturbed but a caramel donut is a caramel donut, and at least he isn’t too talkative.
I stayed overtime today because I spent too much time on my break and I’m falling behind my quota. The boss won’t be salty but it matters to me. The quota is, after all, self-imposed.
PASSPHRASE
SECRETS ARE MORE SUSTAINABLE
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???
NOTES
No notes yet.
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Tape 4: Day 21
I found Clarence’s response. His name and age, accurate to this day, although it says he’s married when he isn’t and has never been. Some other details are accurate, but a lot of answers are wrong. One of the reverse questions lists his eyes as blue when they are green. Sure, it’s not the Clarence I know, but I should probably talk to him, just in case he’s playing a trick on me. It’s his day off, though, so I’ll do it tomorrow.
Otherwise, I’m doing well. Met my quota at four in the afternoon. Guess I can copy some more of these.
PASSPHRASE
THE LONGEST TEXT EVER
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???
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No notes yet.
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Tape 5: Day 22
Clarence laughed it off and pointed at the data. The census is indeed dated two hundred years ago. Then he offered me another caramel donut, and suggested that I leave my area more often.
It isn’t funny, I did not forge the response. It’s authentic. He said that it might be a coincidence. Maybe it is a coincidence, but maybe it is not. I should just put it aside for now and focus on my work.
I’m running out of coffee capsules. I need to get more for the machine. I need coffee to function, sadly. I don’t even work much…
PASSPHRASE
MERMAID CITY
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Lionfish1212's Zampanio experience featured a mermaid city. They would later go on to have bizarre dreams about Zampanio involving the mermaid city.
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No notes yet.
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Tape 6: Day 24
I found a copy! Janice Rose, listed as Janice Wallace several entries ago. They have the same first name, eye colour, date of questioning, reverse questions and answers, but wholly different ID and zip codes. Weird. They even have matching coffee stains and paper damage.
I’ve asked the boss what to do about these, and he told me to write it off and keep both of them. They may as well be different people, given everything. I need a break.
I mean, it’s not as if it’s the weirdest thing I have seen while working. These Janices may just be similar people whose responses were stored together.
PASSPHRASE
SCANLATIONS
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Scanlations are mentioned exactly once in the Zampanio Discord when IronicOrnithologist says they met a Zampanio-obsessed friend named Truth while looking for scanlations of Donald Duck comics. ButlerBot also says this on the 24/7 radio.
NOTES
No notes yet.
TEXT
Tape 7: Day 25
Found a Jeffery Lowe. I initially thought it’s a namesake, but all obverse responses are accurate to who I am.
It’s me. What the fuck?
There is a coffee stain, with a light pencil scratch in the center. It better be a practical joke, and whoever is responsible better own up to it.
There are no questions on the reverse. I don’t know what I could have expected.
I asked Clarence, who is the only person who goes to my room anymore, and he called it a very accurate replica. I swear to fucking god if it’s Clarence I am throwing him out of the window.
PASSPHRASE
THE SUSAN ISN'T THERE
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attendantWatcher encountered a dev console during their third playthrough of Zampanio. The console stopped accepting inputs shortly after being used because "the Susan isn't there".
NOTES
This was added to the sim out of order, right after Tape 15/METEOR SHOWER. Chronologically, it is currently the last Jeffery's Tapes upload.
TEXT
Tape 8: Day 30
I found another Janice, a mistyped copy of the two previous Janices, with the surname of a coworker of mine. Janice Lowell.
She does recognize herself, and says that my obsession with making period-accurate, coffee-stained replicas is worrying. Wait, marked?
The coffee stain harbours three letters and two numbers. I don’t know where I have seen these before, but I probably did because I remember them.
Janice also brought me a cup of soda. I’m very glad that my coworkers aren’t too distracting, and I should probably buy them all something.
An order of pizza should do.
PASSPHRASE
RIP GRUMPY CAT
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The topic of Grumpy Cat's death is briefly brought up in the Zampanio Discord during the "Lionfish is from 2012" discussion.
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No notes yet.
TEXT
Tape 9: Day 32
I bought everyone pizza. People are very glad that I’m reciprocating their kindness. Neat.
I have never noticed, but apparently Janice is married, and her maiden name is Rose. I asked her if she’s been married to someone whose last name was Wallace, and she froze.
I explained that I found a duo of census responses, but she wasn’t too inclined to believe that it isn’t just a coincidence. At least she doesn’t think I’m a stalker.
Weird.
I have also found another copy of Clarence’s census. I don’t care what they say, there’s something weird going on.
PASSPHRASE
ALL THEORIES ARE VALID
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Zampanio Discord server's original Rule 3, before JRAFewLayersDown got owned by a Shambling Horror. Don't Shit In The Pool passphrase when
NOTES
The image here is the one from the first Ronin Rambles entry without the animation on the monitor.
TEXT
Tape 10: Day 41
I found two weird ones today.
The first one is Quinn’s response, accurate to the last point, with their ID in the coffee stain. I haven’t seen Quinn for two months...wait, why does it list their duration of stay as that?
The second one is mine, with a misshapen triangle in the circle and an unanswered question on the reverse.
“Do you traverse mazes clockwise, or counterclockwise?”
Fine. Whatever. I quit in three weeks either way. Counterclockwise goes into the database. Who cares, it may know that Jeffery Lowe traverses mazes counterclockwise for all I care.
PASSPHRASE
HOW MUCH DO YOU THINK WAFFLES COST
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In the Zampanio Discord server, this is attendantWatcher's example of strange questions asked at save points that changed their playthrough of Zampanio to match their response.
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No notes yet.
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Tape 11: Day 46
Fuck, I really can’t afford quitting my job. This means I’m staying. The boss doesn’t parse what’s going on and finds it practical jokes. He says he can’t allow me to be let go and we’re going to be short-staffed if this goes on.
I looked over Quinn’s again, and found a floor plan of a room. I copied it into a notebook. It looks like a generic room, with an entry pointing towards the coffee stain.
I also found the seventh instance of my response, with the question and my response being filled in. Okay, this isn’t funny. I’m going to bring this up with the boss tomorrow.
PASSPHRASE
DO YOU TRANSVERSE MAZES CLOCKWISE OR COUNTERCLOCKWISE
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This is a question on Jeffery Lowe's weird census response in these very tapes, but that says traverse, not transverse. (Apparently it's a typo?) Also appears in the bio of this Twitter account as well as the second chapter of An Odyssey Of The Return To The Change Of Days.
NOTES
No notes yet.
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Tape 12: Day 47
Boss fell ill with acute pneumonia. Guess it’s up to me to dig this up.
Clarence got sent abroad for whatever reason. Some problems they can’t fix remotely. Then it’s gonna be the quarantine.
His copy asked him about exposure to the disease, and there’s another ID and another room. I’m arranging these together and they...well, they don’t fit, but there’s some place between them to let them fit.
I had to leave my area to get donuts. Damn, my entire diet is coffee and donuts at this point. This can’t be good. I should start eating more veggies if I don’t want to have heart problems.
PASSPHRASE
DO YOU TRANSVERSE MAZES CLOCKWISE
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See DO YOU TRANSVERSE MAZES CLOCKWISE OR COUNTERCLOCKWISE above.
NOTES
No notes yet.
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Tape 13: Day 51
Found a perfect copy of Janice’s response, and filled in the plans of another room. At this point this reminds me of our floor.
I’ve filled in four questions at this point. The responses are replicating themselves. I need to figure out what is going on. I need to figure out what is going on.
The archive’s entries all have reverse questions about mazes. Paths, algorithms, minotaurs, I don’t know why. I may just be going insane.
I don’t think anyone else showed up at work today.
PASSPHRASE
COCONUT MALL
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"Coconut Malled" is a Mario Kart shitpost. SmeargleUsedHex posts a seemingly unrelated troll video at the beginning of the Zampanio Discord's #meme-spam channel that turns into Coconut Malled when downloaded. Notably, the passphrase is mall instead of malled for some reason.
NOTES
No notes yet.
TEXT
Tape 14: Day 63
I figured out that the coffee stains only have IDs inside for those who used to work at Zampan, and these are also the sheets that house their names. Janice’s ID, however, wasn’t inaccurate, she just was employed twice under different IDs for whatever reason. I also don’t have an ID; there are only numbers.
It’s my copy number 112. I find them roughly once each three hours, no matter whether I skim through past ones or look through them carefully. Whatever is going on isn’t mundane.
Magic, however, doesn’t exist and is stupid, so I don’t know what to say. I’ve filled in nine questions already. May as well go all the way through and wait for the tenth.
PASSPHRASE
METEOR SHOWER
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Both Lionfish1212 and arcaneArchivist mention a meteor shower scene when talking about their version of Zampanio in the Discord server. Meteor showers are apparently a relatively common element of Zampanio playthroughs.
NOTES
Going by the order in which the passphrases are listed in the source code, this was added to the sim out of order, right after Tape 20/CONTEMPORARY OF PONG.
Also that image looks cool as shit.
Also nice.
TEXT
Tape 15: Day 69
The office is a maze. Of course it’s a maze.
It took me forever to notice that the IDs trace a path through the rooms. I just need to draw it and walk it counterclockwise, because I traverse mazes counterclockwise.
I need to wait for everyone to leave. Not just feel like anyone is here. I need to make sure nobody sees me, because I will need to break into the director’s room.
I’m doing it today. I just need to wait for Nate to go home already. Dude has always been pretending he’s being overworked and I fucking hate him for this since he doesn’t do jack shit.
PASSPHRASE
VERIFIED FACT
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From the description of the #official-pile channel in the Zampanio Discord server: "You can consider anything in here a VERIFIED FACT about Zampanio." The channel in question is completely empty.
NOTES
No notes yet.
TEXT
Tape 16: Day 70
Yesterday, I walked the path I traced through the archives and picked the boss’ lock. I found a blank census sheet, with a tea stain.
What a stupid joke. It’s him. Of course it’s him. Of course he’s been gaslighting me and everyone else.
I just filled it out. All questions on the obverse, nine on the reverse. I still don’t know what the tenth is.
He came to work today, and I confronted him about this. He said he has no idea what’s going on and that he hates coffee.
Of course he’d lie to my face. I’m going to do it again.
PASSPHRASE
BLATANT LIE
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ButlerBot says this on JR's 24/7 radio, but it's been here since before the radio was created. Actual intended source is unknown.
NOTES
It's funny because the passphrase is "blatant lie" and then they lie on the census sheet.
TEXT
Tape 17: Day 71
Moonlight shines through the windows. I am walking the same road. I enter Janice’s room, and backtrack immediately. I turn on my heel, and rotate twice. I grab a donut on my path to the boss’ room, and peek into the closet.
I enter the boss’ room.
I fill in the sheet again. I flip it.
There’s the tenth question. I know that I should answer “yes”, because that is the correct response to the tenth question. But I shall not respond to it in the expected manner. I shall stop this.
I pick up my pen, and fill in “no”.
PASSPHRASE
CONTEMPORARY OF PONG
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Zampanio is described as a contemporary of Pong multiple times on the Zampanio Discord server.
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The image here is the same as the one in Tape 10/ALL THEORIES ARE VALID.
TEXT
Tape 20: Day ???
I clock in at nine in the morning. The air is cool. I just need to finish this archive. There’s only one entry remaining undigitized.
I flip it, and find a coffee stain, with a dotted zero written with a pencil in the center. Sigh. Vandalism.
I copy all there is on the obverse, starting with the name and ending with the occupation. I haven’t met other Jeffery Lowes before. Nice to know you by proxy, namesake.
I flip it to reverse, where the coffee stain is. Ten questions, ten answers. I fill them in.
Farewell, paper archive. I am finally done with you.
