RESUME OF WANDA [REDACTED]

I AM AN EXPERIENCED CHIEF EXECUTIVE BRO-CIFER WITH OVER 150 CUMULATIVE YEARS OF EXPERIENCE EXECUTING VARIOUS THINGS, ON TOP OF A LITERALLY UNKNOWABLE AMOUNT OF TIME NOT EXECUTING VARIOUS THINGS.

I HAVE EXPERIENCED THE VAST MAJORITY OF THINGS HUMANITY IS CAPABLE OF EXPERIENCED, CHIEFLY ORIENTED AROUND VARIOUS WAYS SOMEONE COULD BE SCARED OR HURTING. THIS HAS LEAD ME TO HAVE A STRONG LEVEL OF WILLED POWER.

IF CHOSEN, I WILL BE ABLE TO USE MY UNIQUE INSIGHT INTO HUMANS SUFFERING TO SWAY THE HEARTS AND MIND OF THE JURY AND GET YOU OFF SCOTT FREE.

NOW MY MAIN CURRENT SKILLS ARE:

• FUTURE VISION
• OMNISCIENCE
• LEADER OF THE LEADER OF THE QUOTIDIANS
• JOKES
• PROGRAMMING INCLUDING LANGUAGES SUCH AS:
  • JAVASCRIPT
  • PHP
  • PERL
  • MYSQL
  • HTML
  • COLDFUSION
  • ENGLISH
• LEADERSHIP
• MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKING
• OFFICE DESIGN
• MAZE CONSTRUCTION
• INVESTIGATION
• TWO EYES MAXIMUM AND MINIMUM
• IMMUNITY TO THE AUTOGRAPH BOOK AND MOST OTHER ARTIFACTS TO A LESSER DEGREE

EDUCATION

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CHIEF EXECUTIVE OFFICER: EYEDOL GAMES - 1972 (B)-1996 (C)(PRESENT)

RESPONSIBILITIES INCLUDE:

• CONVINCING JEPE TO LEAVE THE CEO OF MCDONALD'S ALONE.
• MANAGING THE BIOLOGICAL SPYWARE SPREADING IN ALL DIRECTIONS OF THE GLOBE UNCHECKED AND UNAFRAID
• DISTRIBUTING COPIES OF OUR HIT GAME, ZAMPANIO!
• RETROACTIVELY INVENTING OR BUYING THE RIGHTS TO EVERY OTHER HIT GAME AND SELLING IT BEFORE THEIR ORIGINAL PUBLISHERS EVEN EXIST
• PRE-INVENTING BLOCKCHAIN
• INSTITUTING COMPANY WIDE TACO TUESDAYS EVERY THIRD FRIDAY EXCEPT ON LEAP YEARS.

EXPERIENCE

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• MACHINE THAT FLATTENS YOU
• FEAR OF PAINT
• POT ROAST IMPROVISED EXPLOSIVE
• THORNS
• FAKE LAVA
• COLLEGE
• HUNTING A KILLER
• BEING HUNTED BY A KILLER
• LAUGHING ROOM
• SQUEAKING ROOM
• UNKNOWABLE VOID ROOM
• CHILDRENS HOSPITAL
• REAL LAVA
• TUMBLR (2 ITERATIONS)
• BEING A VAST FLOATING EYEBALL(S)
• ONE EYE
• INVESTIGATION
• INVEST
• SNOWMEN
• DROWNING
• MEAT. JUST. MEAT EVERYWHERE.
• MOLD
• DISEASE
• TRAINS
• FRIENDSHIP
• TIME TRAVEL
• SPACE TRAVEL
• BLOOD TRAVEL
• HALLWAY TRAVEL
• CUSTOMER SERVICE (HELL)
• COFFIN

CAREER

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SINCE THE DISCOVERING BRUTAL YET PERPLEXING KILLINGS OF THE EYE KILLER I KNEW WHAT I WANTED TO DO WITH MY LIFE. EVEN AS IT LEAD INTO A NEVER ENDING SPIRAL OF OBSESSION, PAIN AND CONFUSIONS, I HAVE NEVER FELT SO ALIVE.

AT FIRST, I WAS CONTENT TO MERELY DIG INTO WHAT EXISTEDS. WHEN I HIT ROCK BOTTOM, HOWEVER, I WAS READY TO START CREATING WHAT DID NOT.

I ATTENDED THE YEAR 1972 AND TOOK THE REINS OF DESTINY ALONG WITH MY CO-FOUNDER AND HAVE NEVER LOOK BACK. CHIEFLY, BECAUSE IF I GO FORWARD ENOUGH EVENTUALLY IT LOOPS BACK TO THE START, SO WHY EVER TURN AROUND?

THAT KIND OF LATERAL THINKING IS WHAT I CAN BRING TO YOUR CASE.

TYPICAL PROJECTS

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• REPLACING ALL THE ELECTRICAL SOCKETS IN WING B WITH LITTLE SCREAMING FACES
• ZAMPANIO: THE TRADING CARD GAME MARKETING TO MAKE IT AS CLEAR AS POSSIBLE TO OTHER TIME TRAVELERS ITS JUST YU-GI-OH BUT I PRE-STOLE IT
• MAKING SURE THERE ARE 19 COPIES OF TOM PEYOTE AT ALL TIMES (THE POOR THINGS JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO IF THEY AREN'T A SET)
• QUARTERLY ETHICS REVIEWS BY THE CFO TO MAKE SURE I'M NOT GOING TOO FAR
• ARGS LEADING TO RECRUITMENT OF SPECIFIC PEOPLE
• PRE-INVENTING BLOCK CHAIN, NFTS, VARIOUS FORMS OF CRYPTOCURRENCY
• BUYING AND REFURBISHING VARIOUS DISNEY BRANDED THEME PARKS IN ORDER TO ABOLISH THE HATED FASTPASS AND REPLACE IT WITH MY OWN PROPRIETARY LOSSPASS(TM) SYSTEM DESIGNED TO KEEP EVERYONE AS CONFUSED AND VISIBLY LOST AS POSSIBLE
• MAKING SURE EARLY MOBA GAMES ARE AS MAZE LIKE AS POSSIBLE

MY GREATEST WEAKNESS IS THE REFUSAL TO MOVE PAST THE YEAR 2022.