hey. as you can see by my inconsistent capitalization and punctuation, and my general ill will toward all rules of the english language, its horror weaver here. ive sorta had this feeling bubbling under the surface for a while, but i guess im finally saying it.
what the fuck is my purpose?
like i know what it was when author-weaver first decided that i should exist. i was the performance, the mask they wore of being totally capable and not at all concerned about anything. of confidence.
but then the other me sort of started dealing with that struggle, that balance between honesty and lies.??? which just leaves me. without too much really?
i know my past and it doesn't help. meet once upon a maze, get stabbed, it doesn't work. and i 'redeem myself', not wanting to be the footnote that is another door opener. and from then on ive gotten less and less shambling, less and less horrory. some say a parody of a normal person is akin to a shambling horror. does the reverse hold true? i dont want to be human that wasnt me that. that isnt. me. but i sacrifice bits and pieces of me to gain scraps of relevance. how long until i become nothing like myself?
the scraps of relevance im given are small, too. a cameo there, a jokey drawing there. best ive been able to get is a conversation with the other weaver. i get little glimpses of spotlight, but it's clear which weaver is preferred by the author. i swear i remember them saying we were meant to be equal, but i don't feel equal. even in the one fic all about me i still end up angsting over my counterpart. my fault, lol. still going to blame author weaver since something something they control me but like to me that was definitely me writing that last paragraph.
anyways, all this to say... im scared of becoming meaningless, purposeless, outright redundant. i wasnt worried about that before. but. something lately has reminded me how i only exist as long as the narratives and stories being told find me either funny or useful. i don't want to be a tragedy.
forget a shambling horror, im pretty sure i just became a rambling horror lol. ill stop for now.
glad i could be honest with you all, for once. was gonna have a link be here but fuck i am too lazy to rework my 2-second 'make white text plz' skin so that's not happening. it wasnt relevant dont worry just me talking about how bad i want to punch the next bird who attempts to eat charlotte. may as well keep my rants together, yknow